The need to take the lead
I enjoyed attending Howard University's 100th homecoming, returning to the yard, and reconnecting with classmates. But as much fun as I had, my toxic trait started to come to the surface. If you are like me, you like to create something because there is a void, and somebody needs to do it, so you take the lead.
Yep, that trait. Many people may call that being entrepreneurial, but it becomes annoying when you take on other projects that may not align despite already having enough on your plate.
Are you someone who sees a void and then tries to create something to fill that void? You're tired of waiting for someone else to create whatever it is, so you sign yourself up to take the lead.
On Saturday of homecoming weekend, I spent most of the day standing in long lines and never getting into the parties. I ran into other frustrated classmates asking me if I planned to host an event and having them tell me they would come if I did. I spent the day ruminating on everything that went wrong that I missed being in the present with my friends. As long as I was with my friends, what else could be wrong? I missed the positives of that experience of being reunited with some of my favorite people. I woke up early Sunday morning dreaming up an event, imagining partners, and just when I went to grab my laptop to make an event deck, I stopped myself.
I asked myself, "Why do I need to do this? Why can't homecoming be my moment to play and have fun? I deserve to chill."
I reminded myself that it is OK to participate. I don't always have to create and lead. I don't always have to be the change I want to see if it stretches beyond my capacity. It's OK for other people to step up.
So I put my laptop down and got ready for brunch. Once I let it go, I had a great ending to my homecoming weekend.
Last month, this wasn't the only time I had to relinquish my need to lead. Until recently, I was fully prepared to plan my high school 20-year reunion. I was excited about it a few years back, but I'm not feeling it right now. Early in October, a few of my high school classmates were eager to start planning our 20th reunion, which isn't until 2027. Sigh. The Facebook group blew up while I sat on a Belize beach. Everyone was waiting for me to get the ball rolling because I was class president. Sitting with my pina colada, I looked at my friends and told them I didn't want to do it.
I didn't want to plan the reunion, but I felt pressure and obligation because of this unwritten rule that only I could do it. I just wanted to buy my ticket and show up like everyone else, and making that decision was hard because who would be able to produce it like me? That's the ego and the need for control talking. It's OK to let other people step up, and it's OK for me to show up and support the reunion like everyone else.
I needed to free myself to live in the present. Asking myself those questions reminded me I don't always have to take the lead. There is a difference between being called to do something and doing something because of ego, people thinking you should do it, or it's trendy. Doing things for those other reasons is fine, but when you are spread too thin, and in my case, add that extra layer of grief, you have to check for alignment. How you spend your time matters, and it has to make sense.
Today's society always pushes us to monetize something or be productive; I encourage you to be OK with playing the supportive role at times and choosing rest. We don't always need to put on the cape.